When Nature Calls
by urdreamkeeper
Summary: Toilet story, I say!! S/J ... Jack's joke on Sam, will she get revenge?


When Nature Calls

Disclaimer: Stargate not mine! (sighs in exasperation)

Author's note/ summary: This is nothing explicit, Jack just has a really ornery streak, and this time, Sam is at the butt end of the joke! (you'll get that pun as the story unfolds) It is slightly shippy, but you have to read to the end to get it. Enjoy!

They still had about a two-mile trek back to the gate when Sam had to stop. She could not possibly go another two miles without a break. Or her bladder would...well...break. She looked around her and sighed. Sam could see Jonas and Teal'c walking side by side about a quarter of a mile ahead. Her Colonel was making the hike back together with her, flanking her on the left. There was absolutely no cover of any kind. All she could see for miles was what resembled crabgrass back on Earth, except that here, it was a very pretty shade of pink. Not a single tree in sight, and the grass was only about three inches tall. The team followed their own previously made tracks back to the gate, which Sam could see in the distance.

//Damn. //

"Um..Sir? I have to stop for just a minute." Sam just hoped the Colonel would not require much explanation as to why.

"Sure, okay Carter." Jack keyed his radio "Teal'c, Jonas, wait up." Jack stopped, unclipped his P-90 from his vest, and started to have a seat on the soft, lush, ground. He could actually use a little rest himself, but his male ego would only allow it because Carter was the one who had asked. Up ahead, the two alien friends stopped and turned around.

"Uh...sir? Actually, I need to... uh.. Stop by myself." Sam could feel her inner thighs automatically clench as the urge to go came over her again. She knew her next move would be the pee-pee dance, but she wanted to keep this whole thing as professional as possible, so she fought it off, and tried not to move.

"Everything okay?" Sometimes Jack just loved playing stupid, other times, he truly couldn't help it. This time though, he knew what was the matter; he just liked stringing Sam along. He was already starting to get to his feet anyhow.

"Yes sir. I just REALLY have to go." Sam started to undo her pack. She could feel her eyes beginning to water.

"I thought you said you had to stop, make up your mind Carter!" Jack was trying not to grin as he teased his 2IC.

"SIIIIIIIRRRRRRR!! Pleeaase?!!" With a twinkle in her eye that she only saved for him, Sam had to resort to whining to get the Colonel to start back on his way again. 

"You want me to take your pack for you?" He started to pick up her pack. Jack always had a soft spot for a girl that begged, and he just LOVED it when that girl was Carter. In fact, he tried to block the images of her begging him for other things, but to no avail. They flooded his mind anyway. He sighed.

But Sam just shook her head, she needed her pack with her.

"Everything all right Colonel?" Jonas's radio transmission interrupted the Colonel's daydream.

"Everything's fine, you guys wait up, I'm on my way. Oh, and face the direction of the gate will you? Carter just needs a little private time." She never noticed Jack slip the tiny, supply issued sanitary kit out of her pack and into his vest.

Jack smiled. He left Sam's pack but accepted her grateful look, and gleefully began at a trot to where the rest of his team stood waiting. 

When she was certain the Colonel was far enough ahead, Sam dropped her drawers and squatted. Feeling the brush of the warm crabgrass on her bum, she tried to relax a little. What her brain expected was instant relief. But her bladder seemed to have another idea. Nothing happened. Sam waited.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Sam said out loud.

She tried again. She even resorted to trying to push. She waited. Her thighs burned from squatting, and she couldn't get her legs any farther apart due to her BDU's being around her ankles.

"Okay, I just have to relax. I've done this many times while on missions. I know I have to go! Of course, there have usually been trees. God, there are trees on every other planet we've visited, why not this one?" Talking to herself seemed to distract Sam just a little, and she tried to pee yet again. 

Her bladder surrendered. Finally! Aaaahh. She closed her eyes from the reprieve.

============================================================================

Meanwhile, Jack had caught up to his team mates, and while they were waiting for their beloved Major, they decided to sit down and have break with their backs turned towards her.

"Colonel, with respect, WHAT is she doing? It's been a really long time." Jonas was overstating the obvious, and Jack just smiled.

"Jonas, she's a female. Anything they do takes a really long time, it's like a law or something."

"Earth laws are very strange indeed O' Neill." Teal'c acknowledged.

"I couldn't agree with you more Teal'c" Jack was secretly gloating over his devious little move with Carter's sanitary kit.

//She is going to be SOOOOO pissed off. //

"HAhaahaaaahahh." Jack couldn't resist the urge to laugh out loud at his own poor joke.

"What's so funny Colonel?" Jonas asked, amused at the CO's sudden outburst.

============================================================================

Sam reached for her pack. She felt so much better, that she started humming to herself as she searched for her sanitary kit. She wasn't having any luck, and her bum was getting cold. She needed to wipe and re-assemble herself. She just knew the guys were wondering what was taking her so long. Sam was usually quick, and very efficient with her personal care, as she didn't want femininity to get in the way when she was with the team on a mission. She sure was making a new record time today however.

"What the HELL?" Sam was starting to panic, and her legs were screaming. The squish under her boots reminded her how long it had been since the last time she'd used the facilities back at the SGC earlier that morning. 

"What the HELL?" She repeated again. "I know I put it in here, that's the one thing I never forget to bring with me on a mission!" Her legs couldn't take it anymore, so Sam stood up and yanked up her britches.

It was messy, but at least she hadn't had to do anything more than pee. She just knew she'd be in a bad mood the rest of the way back to the SGC until she got a shower and a fresh pair of undies. At least she had layers of clothing that should hide any suspicious wet spots. She picked up her things, returned them to her pack, and headed at a fairly quick pace to where the men of her team were waiting.

Jack was the first to speak up. "Everything come out all right Major?" He sniggered, proud of himself. 

His pun was not lost on Sam, but she just glared.

"Yes sir." was all she managed. She didn't know whether to be grateful to the guys for stopping, or upset at losing her kit. Sam turned on her heels and marched towards the gate without even a thank you to the rest of the team for waiting for her. 

Jack started to immediately feel the twinges of guilt. He knew that Carter prided herself on efficient personal care so as not to advertise that she wasn't 'equipped' like the men were.

"What's wrong with Major Carter? Is she having a bad day or something? She seemed okay earlier." Jonas was already on his feet, determined to go after Sam.

"Let her go Jonas." Jack said getting his gear together. "I'm her CO, I'll take care if it later."

The three jogged to catch up to Sam. She didn't say a word. Jack thought she was walking a little funny, and that thing called shame worked itself around in his gut. Jack felt his ears get red.

When they exited the event horizon on the ramp of the SGC, it was almost sixteen hundred hours. General Hammond was there waiting for his flagship team as usual.

"SG-1, anything to report that can't wait until the briefing?" Hammond was tapping his fingers on the seams of his trousers rapidly, as if he were in a hurry.

"Something wrong sir?" Sam spoke up for the first time in a half an hour.

"Yes Major, in fact we require your assistance immediately. If you'll come with me, I'll explain. SG-1, the rest of you get cleaned up, get cleared by Dr. Frasier, and we'll debrief when everything is under control." 

// Great, there goes my shower. I hope what ever is wrong won't take very long to fix. // 

The General led up Sam to the control room after she surrendered her weapon for return to supply.

She didn't get her wish. Iris diagnostics normally didn't take very long, and the problem usually was resolved in a reasonable amount of time. Not today. The iris was not responding to any of the command codes for the GDOs, so they had to leave the iris open. There was a full defensive ground unit in the gate room in case an incoming wormhole was activated, because there was no way to determine who or what was coming through the gate without the codes.

After six hours of system diagnostics, and re-running sequence after sequence, Sam just sat at her terminal in bewilderment. In a rare show of frustration, she slammed her fist on the side of her chair, and fumed in silence. The control room staff looked at her in empathy. They wanted to get out of there for the night too, it was already twenty two hundred hours. Sam didn't notice the Colonel coming down the stairs from the briefing room.

"What's happening Carter?" He walked over to her seat at one of the control stations, trying to be as nice to her as possible after his stunt earlier that day.

In fact, he had pretty much left her alone to let her do her thing. Jack didn't want to fire her up anymore than she already had been.

"How the hell should I know sir?!?" Sam all but shouted, and then realized to whom she'd just yelled at. "Sorry, sir. It's just that I have been here for the last six hours trying to figure this thing out. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I desperately need a shower, and I don't even think I am remotely close to being done here." Sam winced as she heard the hushed groans from the control room staff.

"I'm sure you'll get it figured out Carter. I'll be in my quarters for the night if you need anything." The Colonel openly put his hand on his Major's shoulder, and she looked up him. Jack almost melted inside, and just looked back down at Sam. He gave her a quick but firm shake, and turned to leave. "Don't give up, Major."

"Good night sir." Sam felt herself relax a bit. She knew the Colonel was the only one who could disarm her, and her attitude lightened just a wee bit.

============================================================================

Another hour later and once more, Major Carter was the savior of the SGC. The iris was functioning properly, and all GDO codes were back online. The defense team was ordered to stand down to a non-emergency status, and the control room cleared of all non-essential personnel. Finally, Sam could hit the showers.

Too tired to eat, and seeing as the commissary was closed at this hour anyway, Sam just decided to head for the locker room. On the way, she ran into Jack.

"Sir, what are you still doing up?" Sam said ambivalently.

" Just making sure everyone got where they need to be for the night. You included, Major. You did a hell of a job today." Jack wasn't sucking up, he honestly meant it.

"Well, thank you sir. Now if you'll excuse me, I am in dire need of a hot shower, and cool sheets. Night sir."

"Good night Carter."

Sam entered the locker room, and flipped the switch to turn on the women's light outside the door.

Before walking over to her locker, she saw something sitting on the bench. Sam flipped only one of the overhead lights on, as it was late, and she wasn't in the mood to have on all of the lights. There on the bench in front of her locker was her little sanitary kit, a nicely saran wrapped plate of food, a Coke, and a single red rose. On top of the little kit was a note. 

__

When Nature calls, Eat, Drink Live, Laugh, Love, and.....

.... don't forget to wipe!

Sam couldn't help but smile. There was no signature on the note, but she would recognize her Colonel's handwriting anywhere. 

"I'll get you back." She grinned as she began to remove the saran wrap from the plate of food.

"Sir." 

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So what did you think folks? More ship? More humor? Just right? Scrap this one? Review and let me know!


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